Friday, December 22, 2006

Endless Rain

Christmas is around the corner.
I am still in my depressing mode, the cold weather seems to blew all the happiness in me.
I am sad, devastated, lonely, and hurt.
If only things could go back to last Christmas. No, maybe back to last two Christmas.
But things are not coming back. And I just don't want to let it go yet.

It's nothing like a love at first sight
More like a love in second sight
and even more and more at third sight
Why do we have to love?
The beginning of my waiting turned into a heartache
And the end of my waiting turned into this feeling that won¡¯t go away
Even if I get heartache because of loneliness I even loved that pain.

{posted by Chibi on 8:57 PM} +

Monday, December 18, 2006

Jammed.

I'm wondering where is Goddess Fortune. It seems that she hates me lately XD
I supposed to blog this entry last week, but turns out things ain't goin' any better, so it really doesn't make any difference if I post it today :P
These days are probably the most depressed moment of the year. I still haven't got a job yet, I lost my friends, my love life is miserable, and my mum is going crazy. I visited her last weekend in Bogor and she decided to pack up all the stuffs and move out to Semarang. This time, for good (or at least, that's what she told me). Well, I knew I supposed to yell "Mum are you nutz?", but I guess I don't have to because that's just the way it is. She's always crazy like that, and she always makes it sound rational because I don't have enough argument to stop her. In the end, I would come up with the thought "Maybe that's not a bad idea." While in fact, perhaps I just hate to admit that I have no better idea.

While mum and the rest of my family having their life goes on, same thing here too with me. It's just few small things came up and like it or not, it keeps haunting me and wrecked my brain -_-
I'm not that strong and I'm trying to be tough, but I really really need a hand to hold me and says "It's gonna be fine." Not a hand that push me away. I am not that strong.

{posted by Chibi on 2:47 PM} +

Friday, December 08, 2006

Life Sucks, As Usual.

Kayanya musim hujan udah mulai "unjuk gigi". Dari awal minggu ini aja, gue udah keujanan terus setiap kali gue keluar rumah. Memang sedia payung sebelum hujan, tapi payung kan nggak bisa melindungi pas kena banjir :P
Jadi walopun gue udah pake jaket, bawa payung, tapi tetep aja gue basah kuyup kena angin hujan yang kenceng dan kaki gue terendam banjir setinggi 20 senti (itu gue udah make sepatu berhak 9 senti loh). Grrh.

But it's okay, gue suka kok hujan. Cumaaaa, kalo keujanan terus setiap hari juga lama-lama males kali yeh.
Kaya hari Rabu kemaren, kayanya salah satu hari tersial gue dalam tahun ini :P Kenapa coba? Well, let see :
[+] Handphone gue rusak tiba-tiba
Pas siang-siang, handphone gue tiba-tiba ngehang - nggak ngerti deh - dan kalo gue nyalain dia blanky gituh. Padahal paginya oke aja gue pake nelpon dll. Betenya, gue masih di kantor Ekalife, padahal gue juga musti ke Sky FM. Akhirnya sore itu gue buru-buru cabut ke BEC buat beresin tuh HP.
[+] Ujannya deres banget dan gue kejebak macet.
Seperti biasa, Bandung kalo pas lagi ujan sore-sore kan bawaannya bikin emosi. Untung aja akhirnya gue nyampe BEC, dan gue langsung ke gerai Siemens. Ternyata proses ngecek HP gue loaammmaaa aja gitu. Dan mbak-mbak CS Siemens itu minta gue bawa kartu garansi. Mana gue bawa kartu garansi ?! O__o Terpaksa deh, gue batalin rencana gue ke Sky, dan gue musti..
[+] Balik ke rumah ambil kartu garansi, dan buru-buru balik lagi ke BEC sebelum jam 6 sore buat ngambil HP gue.
Padahal macetnya udah ampun-ampunan, ujannya deres banget, dan entah kenapa tu angkot hobi banget ngetem.
Sebelnya lagi, Wo sama skali ga mau bantuin gue, temenin gue kek di BEC, boro-boro. Cih.
Akhirnya gue balik dari BEC jam 7 dengan kondisi HP gue yang - udah bener sih - tapi reset ulang dari awal, jadi
[+] Gue kehilangan semua data di handphone gue, ringtones, pictures, videos, phonebook dll.
-__-;;; Udah deh, gue udah bener-bener mo marrah ga jelas ama siapa. Akhirnya gue pulang naik angkot dan asiknya lagi,
[+] Angkot yang gue naikin tiba-tiba mogok di jalan karena kehabisan bensin.
Sip banget dah. Gue terpaksa ngeloyor sendiri di Cipaganti menuju perempatan terdekat, nyari angkot lain. Untungnya gue nemu angkot Ciumbuleuit di pom bensin. Pas gue masuk angkot badan gue udah 60% basah kuyup. Dan ternyata seperti biasa...
[+] Kejebak macet lagi di pertigaan Setiabudi.
Setelah melewati daerah macet nasional itu 12 jam kemudian, adaaaaa lagi kejadian...
[+] Jalan menuju Ciumbuleuit ditutup karena kena longsor.
Terpaksa angkot gue muter lagi ke Cihampelas, belok di pom bensin yang sama tempat gue awal naik tadi!! Sumpah, baru kali ini gue ngerasa car-sickness pas naik angkot :P
Akhirnya angkot yang gue naikin ngambil jalan ke Hegarmanah, which means ga akan lewat ke Unpar. Mereka akhirnya murunin gue di Ciumbuleuit atas, jadi mau nggak mau..
[+] Gue musti jalan kaki dari atas menuju Unpar.
Yeap. Asik banget deh. Entah udah berapa kali gue jalan ujan-ujanan hari ini, udah berapa puluh jam gue abisin waktu gue di angkot, berapa lama gue kejebak macet. Kali ini badan gue udah beneran kaya gado-gado.

Begitu nyampe rumah, gue rasanya udah capek banget, ampe mau nangis pun gue udah ga mampu. Gue cuma pengen ketemu ama satu orang aja yang bisa bikin gue ngerasa nyaman, tapi itupun gue ga bisa.
Yah, I think that's really not my day.

{posted by Chibi on 4:35 PM} +

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I Miss You...

I miss you, I really really miss you.
I miss you real bad that it makes me cry sometimes, but then there is nothing I can do but picturing the times we had together.
And I smiled because I miss you.
It's just that I miss you so much, I feel like I can't say anything but these words. I miss you.
And when I think I'll be okay just missing you like that, I had the urge to cry and shout your name, letting the whole world to know that I miss you. But I just can't do that because I missed you too much to even think about it.
I miss you so much it makes me mad, but I miss you too much to blame you. The thought of missing you makes every corner of my mind, every single things in my world filled with the vision of you, and it makes me missing you even more.
Can't you see, that I miss you and it's torturing me.

...And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you. - {James Blunt}

{posted by Chibi on 9:25 PM} +

Overload.

Things got roughed, even though I've been living a pretty much quiet days this past week. I got several work interviews and trainings - which were good, at least I got something to do everyday and it keeps me thinking that I should make money from it - and it feels good to leave my room and breathe some fresh air. But still, it didn't really make a difference when I thought I could handle things, turns out it's just getting worse. I'm still searching for the better - aren't we always? - and I know it's never easy. It's just I cannot give up - I will not.

Lots of thoughts this week, sharing and loneliness, and the insecurity of the way I choose my life path, and the demands from every single aspect of the life that I've been living for, somehow it built the closed walls between me and my previous world. I stuck here, and couldn't get out. Well, maybe couldn't yet. I tried to keep thinking positively (otherwise I'd have me commiting suicide right now). I feel deceived, betrayed, I have been hurted, and it still hurt actually, but it opened my eyes eventually that I should've seen it coming. Little things that we might never consider, turns out it become the big part of your life, Just like the snowball theory. It slapped me hard on the face, and pushed me to the walls, knocked me hard on the head and forced me to look in the mirror, that I'm bleed, guilty, and scared. And there is no one to blame but myself.

Quality - not quantity - number of people that I can really appreciate have been helping me alot in order to get through all of this. I have been in a great loss of friends, yes, the old friends with all the good times, but I am not gonna complain about that anymore. I had my grief, of course, but then after serial deep thinking, conquering my own anger and guilt, tears and curses, I am grateful - three times ever more grateful - Thank you Lord for showing me what's good for me, who's the real one and who's not. And I am so grateful, that the people that I trust are always the best people in my life.

I made new friends, and it is touching me more than I ever expected. I can see the world in a different light, and so much more that I should know and learn. And I guess that's just the way life goes. People come and gone, laughter and tears, good times and bad times, and I'm not trying to be tough, but I just had to, but even there were times when I feel so secluded, isolated from the world, and often dying and can't barely breathe, at least there's always the other side of me telling that I need to stay alive. Maybe not for somebody - or everybody, but for myself.
And when the doors are closed around you, there's always another door waiting to be opened, and you'd never know what kind of ride behind those doors. I always fastened my seatbelt.

{posted by Chibi on 8:57 PM} +

Song:'80s-'90s songs; Matt Hires; some rocks
Obsession: Publishing my book
Reading: Horrible Histories
Movie: Clueless
Addiction: Books & Mp3
Project: Reviews and Translations